Theodore Nott's GUIDE TO HOGWARTS
by LongLiveInsanity1
Summary: The only book you will ever need as a student joining Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. SlytherNott Publications Ltd, 1993.
1. Theodore Nott's Guide to Hogwarts

_**Theodore Nott's GUIDE TO HOGWARTS**_

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The only book you will ever need as a student joining Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, this guide examines in depth every aspect of the school cynically and truthfully.

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_Critical Acclaim:_

"_Indispensible!" (Random Hufflepuff First Year)_

"_Full of sarcastic wit and humor, but not to be taken seriously I hope." (Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore)_

"_A collection of barely humorous rumors and general slights against the student body. Detention." (Minerva McGonagall)_

"_As if things weren't bad enough, someone had to publish a book outlining every shortcoming of this school. Very inappropriate (but true)." (Severus Snape)_

"_Er…" (Harry Potter)_

"_Oh, for Merlin's sake, shut up, Nott." (Draco Malfoy)_

"_Yeah." (Vincent Crabbe)_

"_Yeah." (Gregory Goyle)_

***

© SlytherNott Publications Ltd, 1993.

***

**The author accepts no responsibility for any bodily harm that may occur from the quoting of facts from this book to any individuals mentioned within. Any advice in this book is to be followed at your own risk.**


	2. Author's Introduction

_**Author's Introduction**_

Greetings, little First Years, my name is Theodore Nott. Unbeknownst to the rest of the faculty – who see me only as "that Scrawny Slytherin Boy" – I have been secretly observing them from afar and compiling this, the ultimate guide to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. In here, you midgets will find everything you need to know about students, teachers, classes and much, much more. There are even pointers for when you lot finally move up in the world and achieve the rank of Second Years. Use this book well, and you may make it through your first term here. Perhaps. Don't get your hopes up.

Just remember, dear midgets, that even our Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, was once like you: terrified, alone, and very, very short. The only way to go from the bottom of the food chain is up. That is, if you can escape being driven insane by Peeves, hung by your thumbs in the dungeons by Filch, blown up by the Weasley twins, crushed to First Year Jam by Crabbe and/or Goyle, murdered by one of our Gamekeepers more excitable "pets" or eaten alive by Snape. You have been warned.

Good luck, ickle Firsties. I shall be watching your pathetic attempts.

_Theodore Nott_


	3. Part 1 : Chapter 1

**PART ONE: STUDENTS**

_**Section One – Year Groups:**_

First Years

_Short, hyperactive, annoying, too big uniform, whiny, easy prey._

First Years are the lowest of the low. The bottom of the heap. No one lets them forget this. They are treated with open contempt by every other year group; all others years will emphatically deny that they were ever that irritating/pathetic/small (they were, trust me).

First Years only ever interact with others First Years. This is because, firstly, they are "too young" to understand any of the complex subjects discussed by the older students, and partly because they are just so damn annoying! Somehow, despite everyone's efforts, First Years still manage to get hold of copious amounts of sugar and consequently behave rather similarly to a Doxy on RedBull.

Apart from this, there is still the fact that all First Years, without exception, complain. Rest assured, First Years, that no one else in the history of mankind has experienced your pain and suffering, the emotional torment you are subjected to every single day. We delight in hearing every detail of it, especially when doing our Arithmancy homework.

Second Years

_First Years, but taller._

Second Years are no longer the bottom of the school, and Merlin, do they like to brag about it. Suddenly, they're "so grown up", and everyone needs to know this. They just don't seem to notice that they are treated in almost exactly the same way as First Years.

Second Years are convinced that everyone up to Seventh Year is dying to get to know them (this is most definitely not the case). In the end, they only end up interacting with each other, although they can sometimes be found torturing First Years to further prove the point that they are better than them now (of course, then when First Years become Second Years, they remember this treatment, and bestow it on the new First Years. It's a very vicious circle).

Second Years are the only people who can give First Years a run for their money on the whining front. They're getting _one hour _of homework a night, the work they do in class is _so hard_, and _no one understands_! Hearing all this is music to our ears, really, particularly when we're struggling through Chapter 14 of The Standard Book of Spells Grade 6 to try and get a 12-foot essay done by the next morning.

Third Years

"_Cool", "experienced", aloof, preoccupied and taking extra classes._

Third Years are teenagers. They are therefore "cool". Don't challenge this.

Third Years look down on pre-pubescent First and Second Years (the fact that some of the latter are a hell of a lot more emotionally mature means nothing), and clamour for the attention for Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Years. They entertain the allusion that they are "hanging with the big kids now" when they are in fact just making a fool of themselves, as the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Years are ignoring them.

Third Years, like the rest of the Lower School, have a habit of moaning. They have an annoying tendency to drop into casual conversation with Upperclassmen that they are "taking really hard subjects now" and try to sympathise with Fourth Years and Fifth Years dwelling on OWLs. This makes them look like even bigger idiots. (You know who you are. Just stop.)

Fourth Years

_Hormonal, careworn, worried about OWLs, confused._

OWLs are only a year away. Take this piece of juicy information either way – some take this to mean that the whole world is coming to end, and that they should have started preparing ten years ago; some see a year as absolutely AGES, and sit back and relax.

Regardless of which type of Fourth Year, all of them will, to their horror, start to notice the opposite sex. The confident, arrogant gits who somehow manage to get everything in life sail straight through this development, surrounded by admirers. The shy, awkward people (read: everyone normal) are oppressed by attraction towards very unexpected people, and suddenly find that OWLs aren't quite as important as their tortured emotions. It's a Hogwarts Approved Fact that most of the students who try to throw themselves off the Astronomy Tower are Fourth Years.

Fourth Years seek solace in one and another, and also Fifth Years, who've been through it all before. They absolutely loathe First, Second and Third Years, as they are convinced that only they know the true meaning of suffering.

Fifth Years

_Hard-working, nervous, stressed, horny_

Fifth Year is Drama Year. OWLs are looming, their crush hasn't got any uglier since last year, and Snape and McGonagall are both giving them hell. There is

also the question of who got a prefect badge and who didn't – this often exposes the blatant favouritism inherent in the system. Fifth Year prefects are prone to abuse their new-found power, so beware.

It is socially acceptable for Fifth Years to socialize with Fourth or Sixth Years, the former to give advice, the latter to receive advice. Any other Years are just a waste of time for them, however, and time is something they are very short of. They can always be found frantically scribbling out some overdue essay or other – they don't want to be disturbed when they are doing this.

Fifth Years, are, overall, tolerable. They are too preoccupied with their own stressful existence to be annoying – except when they have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the common room. Save those for the library or the bathroom. Some of us are trying to read.

Sixth Years

_Laid back, careless, relaxed._

Sixth Years never seem to be doing anything. They just muck around, and fill their days with free periods. They are the most approachable students in the whole school because they are always available.

However, appearances can be deceptive. All those free periods are made up for by sleepless nights spent doing impossibly long essays – they just don't feel the need to be ostentatious about their workload (isn't that a breath of fresh air?). Because of the misconception that they are easy going, younger years can be skeptical about how helpful they really, but anyone who gets to know them will know how sensible their advice is.

Sixth Years don't just have "crushes" – they have full blown boy/girlfriends. But this doesn't make their lives any easier. With their homework, their troubled love life, and the various younger students in dire need of help, it's a wonder they have time to pretend to muck around.

Seventh Years

_Mysterious._

Nothing is known about the elusive Seventh Years. They are in a whole league of their own, simply because they are legally adults. They refuse to associate with anyone other than the teachers and their fellow Seventh Years. They most certainly wouldn't dream of talking to a First Year. Don't even try.


	4. Part 1 : Chapter 2

**PART ONE: STUDENTS**

_**Section Two – Houses:**_

The House System

Contrary to popular belief, at Hogwarts we do not wear House Ties, Badges or Robes. We wear black. There is a House Scarf, but we are not all going to start wearing scarves indoors just to help you lot out. Sorry.

There are subtle ways, however, of guessing someone's House. That way, when you plough into someone in a crowded corridor, causing them to spill coffee all down their front, you know whether to play the Cute Innocent Card and sob into their robes muttering feeble apologies, or run like crazy in the opposite direction of their wand.

At Hogwarts, we take Houses _very _seriously. It takes a bit of practice, but by the time your in second year, you'll know which Houses to avoid, which to ally with, and which, hopefully is yours. (If you are still unaware of which House you are in, even after all this time you are an idiot, a Hufflepuff, or related to Crabbe. Please go and see if the Giant Squid can lend you some brain cells.)

Carefully study the sections below to familiarise yourself with the four Hogwarts Houses. That way, next time you spill pumpkin juice all over a Slytherin Seventh Year, you will be able to say with confidence, "You're in Gryffindor, aren't you?"

That was sarcasm, by the way, Firsties. Sarcasm is your friend.

You and Your House

_Gryffindor:_

_You are: Goody-goody, brave (read: stupid), "noble", Dumbledore's favourites._

_You are not: Cowardly, subtle, Snape's favourites._

_You like: Laughing good-naturedly, a good joke, friends, the good guys, winning the House/Quidditch cup, Dumbledore._

_You dislike: Slytherins, Snape._

You are a Gryffindor. You are the epitome of all that is Great and Good. Everyone gives you the benefit of the doubt, and everyone likes you. You have effectively one the House Lottery. However, you do have to be well versed in the arts of Carelessness, Brashness, Hot-Headedness, Stubbornness, and many more frankly ridiculous traits.

TOP TIP: Slytherins are out to get you. Be vigilant.

_Hufflepuff:_

_You are: Hard-working, tolerant, fair, cheerful._

_You are not: Disparaging, snide, depressive, elitist._

_You like: A challenge, listening, someone you can look up to, a good Quidditch Captain, mornings._

_You dislike: Pessimists._

You are a Hufflepuff. No one is quite sure why, but it is allegedly because you are hard working. For the rest of your life you will be "the Leftover House", "the Overlooked House" and, cruellest of all, "the Bee House". You must compensate for your obscurity by being non-confrontational, the peace-maker, and the very, very nice one that everyone wants to strangle.

TOP TIP: You are the only students in the entire school who can go to lessons without having downed sixteen cups of coffee. Disguise this fact, or there will be consequence. As a school, we are very Anti-Morning-People.

_Ravenclaw:_

_You are: Intelligent, witty._

_You are not: Dense, slow._

_You like: A good debate, a good book._

_You dislike: People who don't appreciate your intelligence._

You are a Ravenclaw. This gives you permission to be either stuck up or a little strange – take your pick. Despite the fact that you are very clever, you rarely excel at anything. Your House is simply not note-worthy. Sorry.

TOP TIP: Be distinctive. No one will remember you at all if you don't have odd hair, a habit of giggling, or _something_.

_Slytherin:_

_You are: Prejudiced, "evil", the school scapegoats, Snape's favourites._

_You are not: Muggle-lovers, friendly, anyone else's favourites._

_You like: Money, power, influential allies._

_You dislike: Gryffindors, Dumbledore._

You are a Slytherin: you can kiss goodbye to any hopes of friends in other houses. From now on, everyone is against you. You are evil, elitist and very, very unpleasant, without exception. Everything that goes wrong is your fault, and the only one on your side is Snape.

TOP TIP: Be sneaky and don't get caught. They can't prove it was you.

Gryffindor

_Red and Gold. _

_Danger Level : Hufflepuffs – Low_

_ Ravenclaws – Low_

_ Slytherins – Medium – High_

The Gryffindors are the good guys of the school. They are always right, and they have both the Headmaster and the Deputy Headmistress on their side. They come first in everything. They have Harry Potter. That's just the way the world works.

Gryffindors are easily recognisable because they like to stand out. There's nothing they hate more than being unnoticed. They laugh the loudest, complain the most about loss of House Points and always make themselves known in some way.

They can be quite friendly if you're not in Slytherin. They usually travel in groups of two or three, so are less intimidating than Ravenclaws.

If you encounter one in less than pleasant circumstances, howling you head is the most effective technique, as the most chivalrous thing to do would be to comfort you.

Hufflepuff

_Yellow and Black._

_Danger Level : Gryffindors – Low_

_ Ravenclaws – Low_

_ Slytherins – Low_

The Hufflepuffs are the nice ones. They are a friend to all. They usually come last or second last, but they somehow manage to remain perpetually cheerful about it.

They are usually recognised by their welcoming smiles and/or Tell Me Everything I Understand looks. They are natural listeners, so aren't noisy like Gryffindors.

They want you to tell them every little problem, whether you want to or not. If you're ever looking a little down, they'll be there to comfort you, whether or not you need comforting.

They are the least intimidating people in the school. They travel in pairs or alone, and have one eye constantly looking out for little lost First Years.

Ravenclaw

_Blue and Bronze_

_Danger Level : Gryffindors – Low_

_ Hufflepuffs – Low_

_ Slytherins – Low_

Ravenclaws are smart. This is all you need to know.

There are two types of Ravenclaws, the strange, scatter-brained ones, or the cold, stuck up ones. The scatter-brained ones wander around like they haven't got a clue which way's up – sometimes with their nose in a book – and the stuck up ones travel in massive packs of aloof-ness.

If you encounter one, they probably will either pretend to not notice you or genuinely not notice you. Either way, they're not about to drop everything and show you the way to the dungeons.

Generally, they are non-approachable, either because they look more lost than you are, or because there are about ten of them, hanging out together and giggling.

Slytherin

_Green and Silver._

_Danger Level : Gryffindor – Very High_

_ Hufflepuff – High_

_ Ravenclaw – High_

Slytherins are scheming, spiteful, sneaky and subtle. They are also elitist, prejudiced, and generally horrible. Be on your guard.

They can usually be found sporting on of three facial expressions – smirking, sneering or leering (sneering and leering are two utterly different expressions). Like Ravenclaws, there are two kinds of Slytherins. One type are large, muscular, and bear a startling resemblance to a troll. The other kind are usually smaller and sometimes look as though they've been starved of sunlight their whole lives.

Slytherins often like to travel in packs – you need back up after all – but some travel alone. Either way, however, avoid them like the plague. They will help you of course – right off the Astronomy Tower.

If you encounter one, run like hell. The trollish ones don't run very fast, and the smaller ones will generally try to curse you. Either way, if you get out of sight quickly enough, you're safe.


End file.
